One of the most painful experiences adult children of narcissistic parents face is the moment their parent begins attacking their reputation. This often happens after the child sets boundaries, pulls away, or finally chooses to go no-contact. But for those who understand narcissistic dynamics, a smear campaign is a predictable response to one thing: loss of control.
Control Is the Foundation of the Narcissistic Parent–Child Relationship
Narcissistic parents build their identity around how others perceive them. Their children are often used as extensions of that identity, proof of their superiority, their “good parenting,” or their social standing.
So when a child grows up, becomes independent, or refuses to tolerate abusive behavior, the narcissistic parent feels deeply threatened.
Why the Smear Campaign Begins
Once the narcissistic parent realizes their control is slipping, they may respond with retaliation disguised as concern, gossip, or “the truth.” A smear campaign serves several purposes:
1. To Punish the Child
Retaliation is central to narcissistic behavior. Instead of self-reflection, they attack. The goal is to make the child “pay” for stepping out of line or exposing the dysfunction.
2. To Regain Power Through Manipulation
Smearing the child allows the narcissistic parent to rewrite the narrative.
If they can paint the child as unstable, ungrateful, or problematic, they regain psychological leverage and attempt to force the child back into submission.
3. To Protect Their Public Image
Narcissists fear being exposed more than anything. A child going no-contact threatens the carefully crafted identity they present to others.
By attacking the child first, they hope to discredit the person who knows their real behavior.
4. To Recruit Flying Monkeys
Smear campaigns often involve bringing in relatives, friends, or community members who will support the parent’s version of events.
These “flying monkeys” unknowingly (or willingly) become extensions of the parent’s manipulation, pressuring the child to return or comply.
The Emotional Impact on the Child
Being smeared by a parent which is someone who should protect you can feel like the ultimate betrayal. Many adult children experience:
- Confusion: “Why would my own parent say that?”
- Shame: feeling exposed or misunderstood
- Fear: wondering who believes the lies
- Anger: recognizing the injustice
- Grief: mourning the parent they never truly had
But the smear campaign has nothing to do with the child’s worth or character. It is a reflection of the parent’s fear, insecurity, and inability to cope with losing power.
How to Protect Yourself
I want to share with you some powerful tips from my book Family Is Not All You Need on how to protect yourself when smear campaigns happen. While you cannot control the narcissistic parent’s behavior, you can protect your peace:
Build a supportive circle of people who know your character and your journey.
Stay grounded in your truth. Their story doesn’t define you.
Avoid defending yourself to every person who hears the lies. Those who matter will see the truth over time.
Limit or cut off access. Distance reduces the narcissist’s ability to manipulate.
Document harmful behavior if safety or reputation is a concern.
Until next time, stay well and take care,
Zelina Chinwoh, MSW, LCSW
For more related content like this, be sure to listen to “The Dear Unapologetically Me” podcast on Apple. Also, check out check out my latest book, Family Is Not All You Need, with all exclusive content and our YouTube page at The Healing Experience Now.
Disclaimer: This article is intended for educational purposes only. The information provided is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional with any questions you may have regarding your mental health or well-being.
